What Kind of a Mom Were You?

A special blog post for my daughter Breyann to answer her question, “what kind of a mom were you?” 

My heart broke into a million pieces and scattered on the ground. It was numb to feeling anything. I suffered through abuse and domestic violence and didn’t get to bond with you and your brother.

I lost you and your brother and ran in fear for my life.

I have always said “lost” because I wanted you and your brother. I wanted to be a mom to you. I loved you and your brother deeply with all of my heart.

I couldn’t provide for or protect you from harm. I tried fighting for you. I sought help. No one listened.

I lost the fight, and the cost was my first loved children. I blocked out the emotional pain, and that left an empty void in my heart.

Nathan at Lake Merrit Park in California

Then God began healing that broken heart with the birth of my next son, Nathan.

I choose that name because it means “a gift.” To me, he was a gift, a second chance.

Having endured abuse and losing two children to abuse, I wanted to make sure he had a better life.

I taught him the love of reading at a young age. I took him to boy scouts, so he had good male role models to take after.

At the age of four, he attended the Salvation Army Church in California. At age nine and ten, he attended Vacation Bible School in the summer.

Nathan and Faith 1998

Nathan was ten when Faith was born. He didn’t take it very well at first. Shortly after bringing her home he told me,

“You have forgotten all about me now that she is here.”

Naturally, I hadn’t because babies need more attention at first. I explained that to Nathan, but he still felt put out.

I chose the name Faith because I didn’t want to forget to have faith. If I had to say faith every day, I couldn’t possibly forget. It was a constant reminder to trust in the Lord.

Like her brother, I gave her the love of reading at a young age. At night she would listen to Bible stories on cassette tapes while looking at a Children’s Bible.

Faith 1999

Faith loved learning new things, so I always printed preschool lessons for her to do. I took her on nature walks, and she loved playing outside for hours.

I was a mom who valued their education.

I wanted them to learn how to make wise choices and decisions for themselves.

I was not their best friend. I was their guide for life.

I felt as though God had entrusted me with them and it was my job to make sure they knew how to make wise choices.

I took that job very seriously.

I was always open and honest with them.

I didn’t hide secrets from them.

They knew about my past to some degree, more than anyone else. I told them about you and your brother.

Here is a Birthday card Faith made for me one year.

I think it states it best. “We have our doubts, squabbles, sometimes… But as long as I think you’re a great mom, what else matters.”

Breyann, no matter what happens in life.

No matter the doubts, squabbles, adversity or pain.

I will always think, you were lost and know in my heart that you and your brother were always wanted and loved by me.

All my Love, Linda

 

Written by Linda M Carleton
Hi! I'm Linda M Carleton, an abuse survivor, writer, and blogger who shares her testimony of God’s saving grace. If you want to overcome adversity and live an abundant life too, let's chat.